They wanted meaningful feedback....I gave it to them....but good.

Back from a business trip to Austin, I go the perfunctory e-mail from the hotel manager asking for an honest assessment of the accommodations at his hotel. He wanted input. Here is what I wrote:

“The room was clean, the pillows were plentiful and the bathroom was clean. But I had one incident that has made me tell my assistant to never lodge me at your hotel in the future.

On the morning of my departure, I decided to get a workout before leaving. I got on my workout gear and walked to the front desk to ask directions to the hotel’s exercise facility. The worker pointed down the first floor corridor….far from the main foyer.

I found the “Workout Room” sign and walked into what had been a converted hotel room. Inside were a recumbent bike and a few other torture machines but there were no weights of any kind. OK, I thought….I will just crank out thirty minutes on the bike. And so I did.

At the conclusion of the ride, I got up, wiped my brow and walked to the door leading out to the hallway.  It was locked. In fact the handle was broken. The door was tightly closed. I pulled and tried to figure out how I was going to get out.

Behind me, working on the pool, was a young fellow cleaning the desk. I walked toward the window and heard a loud bang and felt impact------Next thing I remember was looking up at a low hanging television that had connected with my cranium and knocked me senseless to the floor. I felt my head…and couldn’t feel any open wound on my temple…..so…..I crawled to my feet to get to the window to try and signal the pool boy….but…..who knows how long I had been lying on the floor….because he was nowhere to be found.

I tried to open or pry open the window and crawl out of my workout tomb only to see it was screwed shut.

I was getting somewhat delirious.

I turn to go and see if I can find a room phone and after two steps……BANG.

My old friend, the low hanging TV carved a notch into the other temple. This time I didn’t lose consciousness…..I merely started bleeding from my head.

 I felt anger.

No room phone to be found.

Back to the door where I started pounding and yelling to get someone’s attention.

But a hotel that only serves biscuits and white gravy for its free breakfast doesn’t have many folks who want to find the workout room after depositing a belly-full of grease into their digestive systems. No one was hearing me.

This went on for 45 minutes. I would pound for a while…..then I would yell…..pound, yell, pound, whimper, knock, cry out, and finally total surrender to my situation.

At the 46 minute mark of my incarceration, the door opened and one of the workers said:

“I thought I heard someone yelling…..”

Decorum prevents me from printing my verbal response to the young man. The twin temple injuries forced my abbreviated complaint.

Please consider this written complaint as my response to your desire for meaningful feedback concerning my stay.

I won’t be coming back.

P.S.  Raise the damned TV in the workout room.