Not My Monkeys...Not My Circus

The unhappiness was constant…and sometimes overwhelming.

But I didn’t recognize it.

If depression is your constant companion, it is no longer a stranger.

But then it happened..

My wife identified it in one swift and concise phrase one morning in July as we prepared for another work day. She dropped the bomb.

“You’ve been miserable for years.”

Bang. Like a sledgehammer….

And with that, I found myself emotionally exposed.

I sought professional help.

That was a decision I made with great deliberation because strong men don’t ask for that kind of help. And I have always seen myself as someone who can take a hit….sustain it….and continue on.

For me, my wife’s words were devastating. I was more than able to work through my issues….but she was along for the ride. Misery is contagious. Simply unacceptable.

The facts are fairly straight-forward.

I am a 60-year-old, former college president who is now in middle management. I have been desperately trying to find something to fill the void in my life (Harmonicas, hounds, cabins)…but I was not giving himself a pass for a job that simply didn’t work out.

I had fought and fought and finally….one day….I didn’t have a job.

For eight months I looked.

St. Louis Community College wanted me. Instead of president, I would have to adjust to a different culture.

But, it was pointed out to me, that I could not fully move forward.

As I examined my life, it was clear I was still tethered to my recent past. I just couldn’t let go. I replayed events over and over…..I tried to convince myself that I could have figured out how to survive and thrive in my previous job. And maybe I could have done things better.

But that was yesterday’s ballgame. I still remember a shot I missed back in high school basketball. That was over 42 years ago. That ball is not going in…..it didn’t then…and certainly won’t hit the bottom of the net now.

The phrase that put me on the road to recovery was simply this…

“Not your monkeys, not your circus.”

In other words, stop tethering my present and future to the events of my past. That place is someone else’s concern, not mine. That ball is not going in….That epiphany has made all the difference in the world for me.

I am losing weight, walking, laughing and generally trying to be a better partner for the woman who tethered her life to mine 12 years ago. I’m more fun to be around at work.  I look forward to what God has in store for me….and the people in my life.

“Not my monkeys, not my circus.”

The tether has been cut.

Gratefully.

And I am good.