Old As Oak

BRANSON, MO.---As I left the theater…..I knew the time warp was complete. Over the audio system, The Oak Ridge Boys were singing “Wayward Son” by Kansas. The night of confusion was coming to an end. The warp started 25 years ago at the Fox Theater in St. Louis. Then…I was the young manager of my family’s country radio station and I was there to watch the Oaks at the height of their popularity. The audience was young and the place jumped. That evening was etched into my mind. A quarter of a century is a long time. Flash forward to October 19, 2010…..and my wife and I are on the front row of the Oak Ridge Boys performance here….where people go to retire….and eventually die….Branson, Missouri. As I looked around behind us as the crowd rolled in….I mean literally rolled in…mostly on motorized scooters….I noticed this wasn’t the same crowd I remember from my first Oaks concert. These folks are old. The curtain went up and out strode the quartet…..the bouncy Joe Bonsall….the hairy William Lee Golden…the best bass in the business, Richard Sturban….and the fourth guy…who I never remember (Duane Allen). They are old too…..I mean Bob Dole old. And I thought….Jeez this is gonna be a train wreck. To be honest, The Oaks were brilliant for a bunch of 70-year-old men. They still have that wonderful multi-part harmony and they still hit their marks. It was the audience that stunned me. I remember all of the great concerts of my youth. There was always the sea of lighters twinkling in the audience. Here, I noticed was an ocean of raised, swaying walking canes. Oh, they were into it…you could watch all of the white socks bobbing up and down as the men tapped their toes. At intermission, it was the first time I have noticed that the men’s line was longer into the restrooms. Damn prostates…..the line stayed that way through the entire second set. And when the Oaks ripped into their classic….Elvira…..the place erupted. Many in the audience struggled to get to their feet….but failed…and fell back into their seats. “Om Pappa…Ohm Pappa…Maoh, Maoh….High Ho Silver Away.” And away we went….into the parking lot where every one of the Buick LaSabres bumped into each other because the drivers were all night blind. Those that didn’t want to wait went into the hallways of the theater to drag race their scooters. What a night…. Now, many of you are going to say this piece is cruel and inhumane to our senior citizens. Before you launch on me….I would like to admit something. I watched the entire concert through tri-focals. I tapped my foot within my $7.99 cent J.C. Penny rubber soled shoes. I went to the bathroom twice. Getting old is Hell. At least the Oaks are going out on their terms. At least now they don’t worry about women hoisting hotel keys onto the stage. Although I understand Viagra is an easy score in this town. Now the Oaks probably get slipped magnetic cards that get them into the condo where I stay when I visit Branson. I’m getting out of town before the weekend. Before the 80-year-olds get here for Johnny Mathis.