Tuba Boy

I knew it was a problem.


The pants sale at an outlet mall proclaimed $10 “Bugle Boy” pants.

I rooted through the pile and noticed none of the pants were remotely big enough to cover my girth.

I called over the clerk and pointed at the sign.

“Do you have Tuba Boys in the store?”

She looked confused.

My weight was accentuated by the fact that I am always standing next to my wife in social settings.

Shapely yet fit….Carol didn’t make for a good foil for my portly profile. I needed to cruise up close to a Mama Cass look-a-like in the room to be comfortable.

When I moved to Texas I gained 15 pounds…..when I moved back to Illinois, I gained 15 pounds. Those 30 pounds made a shambles of my clothing choices each morning. Nothing fit.

I thought about several strategies, and finally, I did what all men should do when they are lost and confused….I confided in my wife and asked for her opinion.

Carol said--- “If you listen to me….and do what I tell you…..you will succeed.”

She had my attention….

Carol’s rule----which I have lived by for the last two months----is----only she decides which food….and how much of it, I can put into my mouth.

If she hasn’t authorized it-----or it tastes good----I am instructed to spit it out.

That formula and an hour a day at the Community Health Education Complex (CHEC) building at John A. Logan College have allowed me to lose some weight. And I will continue until all 30 are gone. I will do that because it is what is good for me…..and because she promised me I could take her to Sandals in Jamaica if I lost the 30 pounds.

Yah, she’s brilliant. She gets to boss me around….and if I succeed…..she gets to hit the beach.

It has taken me years to understand the unofficial power structure at my house. I’m not fighting it. I understand it. I’m gonna use it to accomplish my goal. And when I break the surface of the surf at Sandals, I won’t worry about getting hit by a harpoon.

So far, 13 pounds are gone. I’m losing a pound a week and doing it by exercise and eating less….but using fruit as a way to bridge meals. Apples are consumed at work…and berries with sugar free topping at night.

Nutrition and exercise. Who’da thunk?

Which begs the question---?

Do they actually make Tuba Boys?