Dad's Last Great Bluff

I’ve never played poker when the stakes exceeded more than I had in my pocket.

But I’ve seen the masters at work.  

The great players can have a rotten hand, but sell the bluff. They can look into the hearts and minds of the others at the table and go all in…risking everything…selling the lie…all with a wink and a smile.

My father is engaged in the last poker game of his life. And he is gambling everything on cards that won’t win the pot. He is alone, desperate and unprepared for the outcome….when life ultimately calls his bluff.

 

Two weeks ago my Dad took the first of several ambulance rides to various hospitals. He was clearly very ill and I devoted myself to him, literally moving to my former hometown to join his brothers in caring for him. The list of caregivers was somewhat finite. There was family…represented by Dad’s two brothers and myself…and there was a group of neighbors and friends….many of whom had been rewarded with cash for their willingness to help him when he got in trouble at home.

Dad has no mobility. He cannot transfer without someone actually lifting him and setting him down.

He expertly constructed life where he paid someone to arrive in the morning, pick him up and put him in his chair, only to return at night to put him to bed.

That construct was about to be challenged.

Dad’s kidneys were not functioning and doctors alleged it was because of a heart that had been damaged, sometime in the past.

Before we could get to a prognosis, Dad called a friend and checked himself out of the hospital.

In days, his condition worsened and he was admitted to another hospital with another group of doctors.

Their conclusions came before Dad could escape again. The doctors told him he needed to go home and engage hospice nurses for the final months of his life. All systems were shutting down.

Like a great poker player, Dad had nothing left in his hand. But he was intent on playing out the bluff.

He would not consider going to a nursing home, so I hired 24-hour care for him at his home. The expense was staggering.  But it was necessary. I, nor anyone else, could devote six months of constant care for him. And he needed constant care….

Twice I set up a hospice consultation for the two of us to face the facts.

John Wayne once said…”Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway.”  

Twice Dad sent the nurse home before she could deliver her message. We never saddled up.

In the end, he chose to pay strangers to care for him. He consciously decided to cut ties with family. He told me I was dismissed and should return home.

The succession of bad decisions included the dismissal of the only people who cared enough to tell him the truth….a truth he is unwilling to hear or accept.

My love for my father has been tested throughout my life. He demanded honesty and loyalty, but could never seem to use those concepts in the construct of his own life. Over and over again, I came back to him. Over and over he made it clear other people and things were more important to him. Over and over I’m the little boy who only wanted his father’s acceptance. In the end, it never happened. The man in me has grown to accept my love and respect for my father is not something that will ever be returned. I’m at peace with that.

End of life decisions are inherently difficult. I pray I don’t face them in my own life alone, pushing away the people who want to share them with me. I think the past two weeks makes that highly unlikely. I won’t enter the last few months of my life alone, worried I won’t have the resources to survive. I won’t make the mistake my Dad is making.

Facing death is a daunting task and should not be commented on with shouts from the cheap seats. In the end, you have to lean on faith that there is something more. Belief in a higher power is essential.

Being right with God is the answer for the poker player without the cards. It means there is always another game. Another place to play. Another day without the worries of this world.

Life is fragile and short.

Maybe something written here will have an impact on how you play your cards.

Pop is holding his cards real close….and only you and I know that he is selling the bluff….

…with a wink and a smile.