Bread and water..and maybe not bread.

One by one----every one of my most cherished vices are being stripped from me. By the Health Nazi…Doctor Death….my personal guru of svelte…..

I continue to be a loyal minion of my health leader because despite my poor choices, I have turned five pounds of fat into muscle and feel better than I have felt in years. But there appears to be no justice in this world of fitness. Yesterday he sent me an e-mail saying that Diet Coke was not a good choice….and today, after admitting last night to him that my beverage of choice was V-8 Fusion Light….he peed all over it.

I have turned my back on red meat because of the Health Nazi. No hamburgers…no steaks…all chicken and fish. I am man, hear me roar. I am a carnivore. Meat is primal….and I have gone cold cow (I do eat turkey).

But this beverage fiasco has me chafed. I have to drink something other than water. I am now scared to mention that I love a good cup of coffee in the morning for fear that he will find some definitive study that shows coffee makes your thighs plump. Loose lips sink ships. I will hurt anyone who casually mentions my love of coffee to the Nazi. I’m warning you. I will not give up my morning joe.

So now I have revealed to him of my former love and rejection of Diet Coke. This morning, after being queried about V-8 Fusion Light, I did my research and came to the realization that it is a little too high in sugar…a little too low in fiber….and certainly had too much sugar.

Damn. I hate it when he is right.

So now I plead with you, my friends….what the Hell can I drink? Please send me a suggestion or two. Don’t bother if your only suggestion is H2O.

By the way, I haven’t had but one beer in two months…and only an occasional wine. Those are non-negotiable as well. I will drink them occasionally. If water is my only option, I promise to drink them more than occasionally as I try to blot out this liquid crisis.

Help.