"I'll have the blue drink"------the do's and don'ts of taking a cruise.

So let’s get the suspense over with------The cruise was good.

But I learned a lot about cruises and as a service to those of you who have not yet taken one….here are some of the lessons learned.

First, and foremost----like your spouse. Like her, because you are going to be with her every minute of this journey. And you are going to share some very limited space.

Our “cabin” was nothing more than a bed, a small TV and a very small bathroom. Let me see if I can paint the picture. The only place where you could comfortably sit down was the stool….and even then your legs extended into the shower.  And so, that is where I would hang out when Carol was trying to dress. Otherwise, I would have had to hand her garments and that is just not my style. If you are claustrophobic-----don’t go on a cruise unless you shell out some significant cash and get a larger room.

Second, remember that your cellphone is not a viable alarm clock on the high seas. On the first night, we used out cellphones to gauge the time….and it turned into a very long night. We were on Bahamian time as the night went on…..and the cellphone….confused….was on Snyder, Texas time. The result? We missed our first shore excursion and slept an incredible 14 hours! Like a hotel, you can get a wake-up call. We did for the rest of the trip.

Third, all the food is free…..everything else costs you an arm and a leg. Literally, everything goes towards your bill. I needed an extension cord for my CPAP machine so I could sleep----Ching. Need a Pepsi?---Ching. The bill gets big---fast.

While we were visiting Norwegian Cruise Line’s private beach on the last day, I left the beach to find the facilities. When I came back, I looked at Carol with a bewildered look and said, “They even have a defecation fee.” Of course I was kidding…..but I could tell she had to consider it was true….because EVERYTHING cost cash.  I am not a cheapskate….but it started to truly get on my nerves. If someone from Norwegian is reading this…..I suspect they would consider the cost to them to maintain the john and see if they could get away with a “D-fee.”

I love Carol….but her naiveté concerning alcohol consumption was costly. I know my booze, but I rarely partake. She also isn’t much of a drinker…..but when she does decide to drink…….she identifies her drinks by their color. I would order a margarita ------Carol would get the “green salty drink.” And she loved the red drink (strawberry daiquiri)…..and she made the mistake of wanting a “blue drink.”  A Blue Lagoon is a popular summer cocktail featuring blue Curaçao and a whole lot of Vodka. I mean…a lot of Vodka. After the Blue Lagoon, Carol didn’t want any more colored drinks. Carol took a nap that afternoon. Almost as long as our first night sleep.

We did do at least one dangerous thing besides drinking colored drinks. In Nassau, the capital of the Bahamas, we went on a Segway tour. Segways are the two-wheeled transportation scooters used by Mall Cops and security at airports. They look fun but require coordination, especially if you have had a few colored drinks.

I thought the tour would be through a nature area, or some desolate piece of turf along a beach. Nope. We drove right through the middle of town, dodging dump trucks and oncoming traffic. I spilled early on….and to her credit….Carol leaped a curb and maintained an upright posture throughout the entire tour. It was crazy. Bahamians are lousy drivers who lay on their horns and drive on the wrong side of the road (their English background demands such wrong-way driving). The Segway was fun….but how we avoided becoming a hood ornament for a Peterbilt, I’ll never know. It might not have been our brightest idea.

Here’s the conclusion….

I think we have crossed over a line. The spring break crowd was decidedly younger than us. They partied (with colored drinks) all night long and slept through breakfast.

They shook their booties……We watched beautiful sunrises and sunsets and relished our inability to access our e-mail accounts and blackberries.

We would be the poster children for an Alaskan cruise with Ted and Mildred Smith, retired teachers from Rhode Island….not Trey and Tasha….the 21-year-olds who have run out of back space for colorful and artistic tattoos.

Would I do it again?

Sure. I love spending time with my wife and it was an adventure than relieved some of the stress derived from our somewhat demanding careers.

But next time, we will go to Juneau in July.

Carol can see if they have any purple drinks. .